Thin Lines

There’s this pattern I’ve been noticing in more detail lately: when physical emotions are so similar but when explored carefully we find they represent neighbouring yet different feelings. At times they may be an amalgamation of different and even seemingly opposing feelings.

I could venture into explaining from the literature and videos I’ve read on the topic why that is, but I’d rather explore the observation from this very raw mental space I’m in as I process it. Come explore it with me:

To illustrate what I mean let me share an example: when you lose something or someone important to you one of the emotions you may experience is physical tiredness. The hurting is real. Sometimes when you achieve an important milestone you have similar sensations. Perhaps because you had to work so hard to achieve it so you drove yourself to the edge of your capabilities and when you got there you’re so emotionally exhausted you felt a mixture of satisfaction, and sadness. Your happiness is hard to tell, but you feel it and you cry it out.

Another example, perhaps one you’ve seen in movies or TV series, is when two people experience tension and live through a difficult situation together. They are not romantic partners, but suddenly in the climax of the event they have a very intense and passionate connection, they act on it just to feel confused right after. 

It very often happens when we are watching a scene like this we will grab our heads and shout at the TV: what the hell are you doing?! Why would you do that?! Now I find myself trying to interpret the different complex emotions the character may be experiencing, and marveling at the wonderfully emotional awareness of the script writer, the director, the actors to convey it.

Feelings and Emotions
We are taught emotions and feelings to a very basic level. Did you even know they are the same but different? 

Emotions are the physical experiences expressed through our different vital signals that, well, they signal to us about our past, present and a mashup of both creating a nonexistent exciting or scary future. These are things like the heart rate, perspiration, muscle responsiveness, breathing rate, skin temperature, etc. 

Emotions happen whether we are aware of them or not. Feelings, on the other hand, are our mental interpretation of those emotions or signals.

Let’s take a common situation typically described through the emotion of fear: public speaking. Before we stand in front of a crowd for our speech, we might get an accelerated heart rate, sweaty hands, and tense muscles. But while for some people those physical sensations may translate as feeling worried, for another person it might translate as determination. Both are heightened or active emotional states, but the feelings are located at different points of the positive-negative spectrum.

Why does this matter? We learn to translate our emotions into only primary feelings (sadness, happiness, surprise, disgust) and then when we act or observe others acting in a way that does not fit those primary feelings we blame ourselves or others for being “broken” or “bad” or some other primary and simplistic label. But the truth is emotions can overlap, and there can be many feelings experienced at once. There are tons of them. Understanding ourselves and our complex emotions and feelings better is what allows us to accept, forgive, change, and choose more intentionally moments, events, actions in our lives. And by extension, as we understand ourselves we become more understanding of others.

The Thin Lines I’m Walking
Currently, I am wary of the separation between self-confidence and arrogance. As I keep hearing advice on the importance of gathering and sharing testimonials for my work I have had to cross first a barrier of fear to ask for it.

When you ask questions such as: What use did you get of my work? Would you recommend working with me: Yes/No? Why?  In asking such vulnerable questions you expect some answers will be to your liking, but if you are self aware enough you know not all will. 

And then, when you do get an answer worth sharing as a testimonial, you also experience a warm emotion within. If you experience that emotion too often, you might move from humble to self-confident.

I love what I do and only I know exactly how important it is to me, but that is not enough. You need validation. Not as a person, but as a business, and when you are your own business, that line is blurred. So I am walking that line of gathering self-confidence and the warm feeling makes me want to cry, because I put my heart into what I do and if it did not pay off, I would be losing my heart. But I also want to be careful not to let self-confidence build up to get too big and make me arrogant. 

What I become is what I will transmit in my teachings as a mentor, as a trainer, and as a coach. The lesson here is: I will embrace and respect the complexity of what we feel. My fear of becoming arrogant should not be allowed to interfere as I build my self-confidence. My constant seek for new knowledge and for improving in what I do will be the tool to keep me humble. If only one mentee, one student, one trainee becomes him or herself more confident in the process, then I will have succeeded.

For you my advice is this: the best investment you could make in yourself is getting to know yourself and the world around you through emotional curiosity.

Happy Friday, 
Maria 🌺