Diary of an Unproductive Day

Let me start from what I normally do: My day would typically start with a walk around the neighbourhood, accompanied by my husband and dog, followed by breakfast and then by working on a plan for the day or week. During a big chunk of the day I’m focused on the execution of my current projects: mostly self-employed endeavours that I am trying to get going. Then there is more planning as I discover new needs, come up with new ideas, get input from someone. These execution and planning blocks are sprinkled with breaks for food and coffee. More execution, then a workout, another dog walk and finally a bit of evening reading or movie watching to wrap up the day.

Instead, today was marked by two improvised events for which I had to choose how to respond and for which I chose action and immediacy. It all seems rationally fine, but then again… that sense of emptiness.

The actual events:

These were of 2 categories: 1) Personal health and 2) Friendship and community. Two critical areas for a well grounded life (based on my values and preferences).

As I jumped out of bed, the priority was to schedule an appointment to check a health complaint that appeared during the weekend. Not bad enough to justify a visit to the ER, and not irrelevant enough to endure the painful back-and-forth approach to getting a visit to the the family doctor. That is how, just 40 minutes after having woken up, I was entering the doctor’s office to get an initial diagnosis, prescription, and follow-up checks scheduled. Well done! The matter was under control. Personal health – checked.

Between the appointment and coming back home we used the opportunity to run some home errands. They were not urgent, nor particularly important, but we were on the way of the places you’d deal with them, and so we did.

For a brief moment when I got back home I tried to pick up my routine, my system. I was not patient enough to even complete a plan and I just started executing: contacting people, replying emails, drafting materials. And then, enters the second event: I get a phone call from a friend asking for help to look after their kids during an important family event they had coming. I said yes. It was 2 hours until the event which means I barely had time to prepare lunch, eat, get ready and go out the door. I could have said no and pick up my very important, critical system. But friends are important to me and it is not every day I get such a phone all. I have schedule flexibility and part of the value in that is responding to these moments. So I could do it, I did it and I loved doing it.

Yet, it feels like my brain is insistent on rejecting the day. You were not productive, it says. You lacked purpose, it repeats. You cannot achieve the things you want if you go about doing haphazard things like today. And bla bla bla…

But why? I ask my brain… and then I think: but I am my brain. Or am I? Is this what meditation teachers mean when they say “you are not your thoughts”, because damn right this doesn’t feel like myself and it doesn’t feel right. The truth is that, in these months of self-employment I have been surprising myself with how well I can set up goals, divise a plan to achieve them, and execute even on days when I lack motivation because I know results don’t come from just being motivated. Yes, there is uncertainty in getting customers, and days are not predictable, but that doesn’t stop me from being consistent and keeping at it or asking for help.

So there is the question again: why do I feel this way? What is that nagging voice saying it today wasn’t enough? Why is it not OK to try again tomorrow. Is there a threshold of uncertainty at which point our brains collapse? I can’t choose when my health falters and I can’t predict when a friend will ask for an unusual favor. I can’t predict when I will get my next customer. But I can choose to get a doctor’s opinion, I can decide to help my friend, and I can decide to keep on talking about my services until someone decides to buy from me. I cannot tell myself to not be afraid.

I know fear exists to warn us of potentially harmful events, but many times is just there to be a pain in the evolutionary butt and I suspect today’s feelings are of the second kind. My intention is not to ignore worries altogether, because there might be something important behind these feelings I can learn from. But I am yet to uncover if today is one of those days. Getting as far as this line hasn’t helped me figure it out. But I can’t also give it too much room. I can’t let this grow into a loud, and powerful voice. I only have left a reminder: that some days are better than others, that maybe my body is low on serotonin and dopamine because I skipped more walks than usually today, that every day is different from the previous and the next, and that means sometimes better, sometimes worse. I only have one thing to do, and cracking through a panic to-do list is not going to be it. Enjoying a white night might be a better choice.

Happy Monday
Maria 🌺